Men And Feelings

Years ago, in the movies, you NEVER saw a man cry. The man appeared Stoic, dispassionate and removed from the emotions of the moment. More recently, ok, the last 30 years or so, you began to see men tear up in the movies and on television and counselors were giving men everywhere - permission to cry. Still, who can imagine John Wayne crying or Dirty Harry. I do think James Bond finally broke down, so did Bruce Willis.

Anger has always been more accepted but what about the total breakdown? That iconic moment when Rambo picks up an over sized machine gun and screaming as loud as the weapon itself, he sprays indiscriminately at the enemy. When The Patriot, Benjamin Martin tells the evil dragoon that, "Before this war is over, I will kill you", his steely eyed stare assures us that it WILL happen. We wondered about his mental state when he ran down that young Redcoat and savaged him in a blood letting that would make a surgeon squirm in his seat.

Feelings are a puzzle for men. We get tips and examples from the movies, from our dads, from our moms but what is the Biblical approach to dealing with emotions. There is a tendency in our natures to give free rein to our emotions, and sometimes we just get overwhelmed and 'explode', 'melt down', or 'fall apart'. When we feel fear, anger or sadness, how ought we to respond. How shall we 'gird up our loins' when emotions come upon us. The answer comes from realizing our role as protector.

Not a week goes by where I do not share this guiding principle with my sons -

The Principle for Emotions:
A man chooses WHERE and WHEN he will FEEL emotions.

This is so important and it's short enough to memorize and repeat often. Men are protectors, we are the under-kings and we are responsible to give security, comfort and assurance to our wives, our children and then those around us. In an emotional situation, their MUST be a 'rock of safety' that others can cling to. Even when circumstances seem out of control, a man MUST remain under control and lead by example. Can a man be frightened, angry or sad in these circumstances? Yes, BUT, for the well-being of those you are responsible for, you will choose WHERE and WHEN you will let them come and suppress them until then.

The most powerful text of scripture on this topic is 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." There is a marvelous example of this from the author of a wonderful book I'm reading to my boys - Eric Greiten's book, "The Heart and the Fist: The Education of a Humanitarian and the Training of a Navy Seal".  Here are Eric's words relating one fear filled occasion:

"You pass through another week called “Hell Week,” which is considered to be the pinnacle. During that week, you are pushed to your mental, physical and emotional limits and then beyond.  You're pushed to the core of your character and then you need to look inside yourself to figure out whether you’re going to survive or leave.
My hardest moment came when, for the very first time, we were going to be sent into the tents to sleep.  We’d been up for probably 72 hours and people were literally falling over, and I thought that sleep was going to be blissful.  I laid down and I couldn’t fall asleep.  I could feel my foot pulsing in pain.

I started to get fearful and I started to panic and I started to think, "What’s going to happen to me if I can’t sleep?  Our class only gets two to five hours of sleep, what’s going to happen to me if I can’t sleep? . . ."

I knew I was going a little bit crazy because a thought actually ran through my mind like, “Well, maybe if I can’t sleep they’ll let me take a nap later,” which of course was not going to happen.  But what happened was, I stood up and I walked outside of the tent and I walked over to this faucet and I turned it on and I put my head underneath and I washed some of the water over my head.  And I turned back to the tent and as I was walking back to the tent I just thought to myself, “This isn’t about me.  This isn’t about my fear and my pain. This test is about my ability to lead and to be of service to the people who are asleep in that tent right now.”  

And as soon as I let go of my own fear and my own pain, as soon as I focused on what I had to do for others, all of that fear and pain left me, and I walked into the tent and I fell right asleep."

Fear is a normal and natural response. There is something wrong with the man who never feels fear, but never let fear OR emotion have control of you.  You choose WHERE and WHEN you will FEEL emotions.  The best way to suppress and delay fear, is to focus on those who are in need around you, and on the Sovereign Lord of All who loves you and works all things for our greatest good and His greatest glory.  His, is a perfect love and perfect love casts out all fear.